Thursday, March 16, 2006

How to remain in control when you're not in control

Some days commence with the arrival of an unknown stranger. Unavoidable, but I never look forward to it. I sort of shut the real me down and switch to autopilot. Doesn’t eliminate the situation 100% though. Unfortunately, that is just not possible. I need to remain ‘present’, at least to some degree. Enough to be in control – paradoxical but true. Enough to say “do this and this and this, this way”. Enough to know when to smile, when to say “thankyou”, when to acknowledge a task well done. And enough to recognise when it’s all over, to switch myself back on again, to reoccupy my self, to breathe a huge sigh of relief.



Blogger Sigrid Jardin said...

Sometimes I wonder if we are ever in control, or if that is just an illusion we hold onto. Sounds like you know how to protect yourself when life gets uncomfortable, anyway. I love this painting so much too!

3:53 PM  
Blogger Rexroth's Daughter said...

Interesting description of the arrival of the stranger. Do you shut the real you down, or does the stranger? Is the stranger a friend, or does it inhabit you even when you are unwilling to be inhabited? Who is the autopilot? How is the autopilot related to the real you, and not the stranger?

I hope you don't mind these questions. I'm interested in the concept of the inner stranger. I also hope I haven't misread this post. :)

5:33 AM  
Blogger adagio said...

sigrid: yes, i think you are right. having ultimate control is an illusory notion. however, unless i am much mistaken, there is such a thing as control with a small 'c'and that i feel i can have. it feels like the most critical aspect of being oneself. and remaining healthily intact as a person. a human being.

rexroth's daughter: delighted to see your footprint. welcome! your questions are not burdensome. generally speaking, my blog writings are somewhat enigmatic. i do not wish to spill my guts in this type of arena. the stranger i refer to is of the literal/physical variety. not an 'inner' stranger. shutting myself down is another way of describing keeping the greater portion of my 'self' hidden. it is a self-protective technique and vital to someone requiring much physical care. there are physical carers (assistants) and then there are friends. while there is a small degree of crossover, i work hard at maintaining a clear distinction. it is more comfortable this way.

2:05 PM  

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